Drug ban looks more like a bocce botch-up

But the bocce players, one a cross-eyed freak who struggles to see straight and his slightly younger albeit much heavier partner, were both taking 'medically prescribed pharmaceuticals' when they gave their urine samples during the recent Belgrave championships at Belgrave Recreation Reserve, just before Christmas.

It is understood the larger partner is particularly distressed at the test results and there are serious fears for his health as depression and lack of exercise take their toll. "I eat when I'm stressed", lamented the portly chap, "and as you can see, I don't need any more eatin, especially now I'm not getting that full body workout from playing Bocce."

The court of arbitration for sport is hearing the cases and determining whether the players will be banned from the sport or will just be made to put their belts on the line, one after the other. It is understood the pairing of the Bovine and the Warden have been elevated to contender status and may be ready to take on the game's girly bad boys, Nug and Eggward, for the right to challenge for a title.

But Victorian bocce enthusiasts, especially those with similar disabilities, have rallied around the players, and some colleagues are outraged. Former player, David Rhys Jones, described the judiciary as cowards and lamented that "they were creating an environment where squibs can thrive."

One large interested party, who did not want to be named, complained the drug testers were 'over the top' and 'destroying the two peoples lives'. "We're going to Macdonalds to have a binge and discuss the defence strategy", snarled defence counsel Bradley Wiseman, through a mouthful of Big Mac. (We named him anyway).

"As if these two people, playing a sport they enjoy are seeking to cheat. It's not like they are Eggy and Nug. They are taking the drugs to simply live," he said. "I mean, if the rotund one doesn't stop eating he could blow up and it would be a tragedy if Clarence the Cross-Eyed bocce player walked out in front of of a bus cause he couldn't see."

An Australian Sports Drug Agency spokesman, Sean Winnett, said he could not confirm any current investigations until the agency's quarterly results were released next week. He said the agency had conducted seven tests in the sport of bocce in the past financial year. "We are sympathetic to the needs of people with disablities, but in this case we are not sure whether these were really prescription substances", said Sean as he closed the smelly zip lock bag confiscated from one of the co-accused.

"The sport receives government funding and has an anti-doping policy, so that is why bocce players are tested," he said. "No one is doubting that bocce is a lower-risk sport than some others going around, (apart from regular injuries to players Boules), but you can see that by the fact they receive low levels of testing."

The bocce incident has exposed an educational weakness in the system.

Usually, athletes who are taking 'prescribed medications' can seek therapeutic-use exemptions from the drug agency beforehand. In both of these cases, due to the dubious composition of the 'pharmaceuticals', the exemptions had understandably not been sought.

Under its charter, the agency has the legislative power to test 104 sports, including fringe activities such as gumboot hurling, haggis throwing, naked synchronised gymnastics, female full contact jelly wrestling and rogaining.

Bocce Debacle

In the ugliest (and funniest) Bocce incident for many a year, poor Craigy's liddle ankly became a bit sore after a well directed and deserved piece of retaliation from Clarence the cross-eyed Lion.

Through the tears and jumping around from Craig and the convulsive laughter from everyone else, it was hard to make out the cries from the Tinitin lookalike, but they did rhyme with out, so here we go, to try and work it out:

Oh my lout

Oh my rout

Oh my tout

Oh my bout

Oh my shout

Oh my flout

Oh my clout

Oh my trout

Oh my kraut

Oh my spout

Oh my snout

If anyone has any ideas what the word may have been, please send to belgravecc@bigpond.com . The only thing for certain is that fatty foods and red wine are out for a while!

The Spirit of Bocce 4/2/05

To coin a phrase from the elite athletic run machine from Berwick; Well, Well, Well.

What a night of Bocce on the Royal and Ancient Links of Belgrave.

A night of sportsmanship, idiocy, superlative bocce and Sooky La La. (see below for definition of Sooky La La).

The evening commenced with a challenge from the two wannabe Champions, Gladstone and Tintin. These two 'gentleman' have been pushing their very weak case for quite a while now, despite running scared over the last few weeks. It seems a little rain and the boys are 'outta here!'

Well. As soon as a few more pairs arrived it was whinge whinge whinge, until all of a sudden there were only 3 pairings left. Initially it was thought Tintin had gone on another adventure (possibly to help find Gladstone's neck), until they were spotted slinking away in the direction of the car park. Poor form lads, poor form. A champion is someone who stands up in any conditions, and it is this reporters view that the 'challengers' are no more than fitter, younger versions of Ken. Enough said.

On to the positives. The sportsmanship and effort put in by the new pairing of Dougie " the last Samurai" and Johnno (from area 51) was inspiring. Their unwavering commitment to the Boules was commendable and will ensure they are in the game for a long time and may even rise to Champion status. No sooky la la's there. The Alien even pulled out the shot of the night with his last bocce, landing cleanly on the Bocce bag from 20 feet and finishing an inch away from the SPCB. Great work from the a_n_al probing machine.

Of particular concern was the pairing of the bovine and fu##in Simon. Fu##in Simon became the first player red carded out of the game. His misdemeanors were many and varied, culminating in the lobbing of a boule onto the hallowed pitch. Fair dinkum Simon, go and have a good, long hard think about yourself. You let your teammate down, not to mention the many youngsters who look up to their Bocce idols (such as Bung Eye and Stay Puft) for inspiration and moral guidance.

The great Boule incident of last week, which left poor old SP writhing in agony, was overshadowed by a mighty blow to the testicular region of simon when he walked behind the Bovine in full swing. In scenes reniniscent of that bloke who got hit in the nads on funniest home videos, it was laughter and pain all around. Of course the laughing was being done by those with intact Boules.

With only a few weeks to go in the season proper, it's going to take a Bradmanlike performance to unseat the Champs, who showed in the singles just what champions are made of. With a scoreline of 11-4-1, (with the Champs finishing 1 and 2), not only was their superstar status confirmed, it showed the Bovine just how much ground he needs to make up to reach the coveted A grade level. Despite marvellous sportsmanship and determination, The Nepalese one just couldn't match the pace. Keep pluggin away son; it'll come.

Until next week, Good Bocceeying to you all.

Dictionary

soak ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sk)
v. soaked, soak·ing, soaks
v. tr.

1. 1. To make thoroughly wet or saturated by or as if by placing in liquid.
   2. To immerse in liquid for a period of time.

Soc·ra·tes ( P ) Pronunciation Key (skr-tz), 470?-399 B.C.

Sooky La La ( P ) Pronunciation Key (skee, lälä)

From the verb 'to sook'. Denotes person of low moral fibre, questionable integrity, girl's blouse. Scaredy cat. A person too scared to take on all comers. Pretender. False Idol (nee supposed Champion). Someone not partaking of challenges, esp Bocce, Batting and Bowling. See pictorial examples.

eg: Pictured: The rare spotted Sooky La La's.

souk or suq   ( P ) Pronunciation Key (sk, shk)
n.

****Definitions lifted verbatim from The Concise Oxford

	The Rules of Bocce
	Bocce, (also known as Patanque and Boule), originated up on the Murray River and is one of the oldest of all wheel rut bowling games. It is now gaining popularity in the Shire of Yarra Ranges since it can be played by people of all ages, aptitude and mental capacity on a great variety of surfaces. Bocce is played between two-eight players, split into two-four teams. Bocce is played with 8 silver or coloured balls, each with different markings or colours, and one small target ball called the "Jack,"Pallino," or "Spray Painted Cricket Ball". Players seek to place their Bocce Balls nearer to the target SPCB than their opponent or displace the opponent's Bocce Ball and so improve the position of their Bocce Ball in relation to the SPCB. Bocce can be played in a variety of ways using various rules, depending on what rules the Reigning Champs decide to apply on the night (or day). WARNING-Boules are heavy and can cause severe pain if they land on a players own Boule's.

	Belgrave Bocce
	Belgrave Bocce is the Murray River game modified for Belgrave conditions, due to a lack of wheel ruts on the Belgrave Recreation Reserve's oval. Talks have been held with the local hoons and Monaro drivers in order to get some ruts happening on the oval, but all attempts so far have been unreasonably denied by The Shire. It may be played almost anywhere on a variety of surfaces, in the back yard or front yard, on a smooth lawn or rough grass, along a dirt road or grassy meadow, on a golf course or sandy beach, on level ground or hilly terrain. Variety in surface and terrain calls for variety in skills and techniques of play, producing a game rich in surprise and suspense. (Note: Sandy Beaches may be hard to come by in Belgrave). Look for ancient river courses formed during the last Ice Age--Ed. The target ball, called the "Jack," "Pallino," or "Spray Painted Cricket Ball" is thrown out by a member of Team A. He may toss the SPCB any distance and in any direction that he chooses. The same player then rolls or throws his two Bocce Balls as close to the SPCB as possible. Then a player on the opposing team rolls and tries to place his balls nearer the target ball. Then the second player from Team A rolls and finally the last player from Team B. If the player from Team A and the player from Team B meet at, say point C, the players from Team D may stop to say hi, so long as the fella from Team E hasn't unduly sledged Team B or called in the banana guys, B1 and B2. If the players from Teams A or B form an alliance, Teams D and E, meeting at point A, will be confused. In the case where there is confusion from Teams A, B, D or E, the SPCB should be given the Big A and rethrown closer to Point C, G, J or P. If unsure, refer to the alphabet. A variation to the above is allowed. The so called "Nearest Ball" rule may be adopted as follows: The first player rolls or tosses his first Bocce Ball only. He then steps aside and does not bowl again until the opposing side has gotten one of its Bocce Balls closest to the SPCB. The side whose Bocce is closest to the SPCB is called "Inside" and the opposing side "Outside." Whenever a team gets "Inside" it steps aside and lets the "Outside" team bowl. This continues until one side has used all its Bocce Balls. Players must follow their proper turn throughout the game. A player must use all his balls at each turn, except in a game of 2 individuals (singles). Then each player uses 2 balls at each turn. When in doubt, The Reigning Champs, namely Bungeye and Staypuft, have the final say. The fact they are reigning champs has nothing to do with this power being bestowed upon their very fair and evenhanded shoulders. Bungeye and Staypuft have the authority to impose penalties, suspensions, award Champion status, decide on promotion/relegation and adjudicate on results, among many other powers too numerous to mention here. In fact, no matter what needs to be adjudicated on, they have the power. Such unbridled power has been awarded to them due to their unwavering sense of Fair Play and Sportsmanship. No appeals or correspondence will be entered into as a result of their unbiased decisions. Actually, no appeals or correspondence will be entered into as a result of their clearly biased decisions either, so bite me Tintin and Gladstone. Glossary: Reigning Champs: Bungeye and Staypuft B Graders: The Warden and The Nepalese Bovine Utter, utter Bastards: Tintin and Gladstone SPCB: The thing near the silver balls, (as per Tintin) Quasi player: Ken "The Sprayer" Harvey Boules: What Bocces land on if you're not careful

Reigning Champs reign supreme despite rain and testicle incident

In a Pygmalion like display of wet weather Bocce, the rain in Spain didn't cause the Champs any pain, although the errant boule certainly did! In a gutsy display, Staypuft stayed put to help clinch the evening's win, despite a crushing blow to the left aggot in a horrible Boule mishap, early in the evening. "One minute all was calm, the next minute there's a marshmallow rolling around screaming with a distinctly squeaky voice" exclaimed the Nepalese Bovine as he rolled on the ground in laughter.

Despite the unusual start, a gentlemanly and sportsmanlike display from The Warden and The Yak, the up and comers from C grade, earned them elevation to B grade, moving them a step closer to the top division. The "pretenders" chose to sit in the sheds, too scared to come out in the adverse conditions and put their claims to the test.

"It was pathetic actually, the whiney little voices of Gladstone and Tintin sledging from the stands", lamented Bungeye. "I mean, these blokes reckon they are quality players, but Champions aren't scared of a challenge or a little bit of inclement weather". Both Craig and Gladstone were unavailable for comment last night.

It was also noted by the man on the hill in the dark, that as soon as the two 'pretenders' entered the arena for a social game of triples, the whole concept of sportsmanship and the spirit of the game were thrown out the window.

Both delinquents have been yellow carded to the extreme, (ironic really, as they themselves are too yellow to face the Champs), and may find themselves back in B Grade before too long, for unacceptable behaviour. There has even been talk at International Level about a 5 year ban for both, which would be a life sentence for someone of Tintin's age. "They should watch closely the way Staypuft and Bungeye go about the game if they truly aspire to reaching Championship status", said one anonymous International Bocce Federation official.

Bocce

With the dominance of the reigning Club Bocce Champions unlikely to end soon, other competitiors are starting to resort to some pretty underhanded tactics to gain an advantage. Pushing and shoving as players are about to throw is not on. Lying about your abilities. Not on. Sledging. NOT ON.

It's a shame seeing such a noble sport bought down to such a level, especially when the Reigning Champs, (true sportsmen in every sense of the word), display such poise, class, skill and finesse. As a result, the Official Rules of Bocce will be posted on a seperate page, very shortly. Pity the Thursday night shenanigans of a few have bought us to this.

Maybe if you hooligans shut up, stopped harassing and watched the champs, your own games may improve.

Wadey and Hoppy Reigning Bocce champs.

In the expected boilover at the Belgrave Bocce Bout, the Wadey/Hoppy machine confirmed their status as Undisputed Reigning Champions with an effortless win over the Nug/Eggy combination. In scenes resembling Apocalypse Now, Nug and Eggy ignited the flames of self doubt and napalmed their chances into oblivion. It was horrific to watch, let alone listen to, as the whole concept of TEAM was thrown out the window and replaced with what can only be described as unsportsmanlike behaviour, including threats to bung up Wadey's good eye.